A few recent creations….
A few recent creations….
“I know what we’ll do!” MrH suddenly exclaimed last night. “We’ll get the cane out. We’ve not done that in a while.”
He got up and got out the cane.
“Where do you want me?” I asked.
“On the bed, arse in the air.” He said.
I put my body pillow across the bed and got on all fours, knees and elbows so I wasn’t leaning on my wrists (they get sore and swollen if I lean on them) and took a calming breath. My heart was racing with anticipation and I was wet from his taking charge.
For the next while (I don’t know how long) MrH wielded the cane. Every time he uses the impact toys he does so a little firmer/harder/longer. He checked in with me and stroked my behind at intervals throughout.
Several times I winced and gasped from the pain. I may have cried out.
I thought about saying yellow twice but changed my mind as the sting faded as quickly as the thought formed.
“Five more then we’re done,” he said.
They were hard and in relatively quick succession.
After I felt so calm and relaxed. My behind was red and hot as I snuggled into MrH. I slept last night so soundly (although I woke a few times – I think I must have been snoring 😴😳 as my mouth was really dry and I needed a drink).
Today I feel better. My behind is still a little warm feeling. Not sore exactly, not red or bruised, but I can feel it.
I can feel the connection between MrH and myself. I feel my submissive self returning.
I can see the benefit of a weekly cane session. The way that play re-enforces the dynamic. The way each strike pulled me down, told me MrH was in control. The calm I felt during play and after.
Today our eldest once again returns home. Hopefully not for long.
On Friday MrH and I are heading to Scotland to visit some dear friends. It will be nice to get away for a few days.
I told you to watch this space.
MrH has gone to the allotment. I’m sewing.
Before he left he took my hand and asked me to come with me. He took me upstairs, pulled down my leggings, told me to spread my cheeks and inserted the butt plug.
If it gets uncomfortable I have to message him.
But I don’t feel right.
I usually feel calm and content. But instead I feel sad, disconnected, distant.
I wrote about the eldest being home in x and although he headed off to London and we “in theory” had our old routines back things just don’t feel right.
That’s not to say MrH and I haven’t played because we have. We have tested the replacement wand. And I’ve been allowed to suck MrH’s cock before bed time twice this week. He allows this for a time and then he will instruct me to stop and fuck me until he cums. These play sessions are not about me they are for his pleasure only and I’m ok with that – more than ok- it feeds my submissive mental state and I get more than a little turned on by being used for his pleasure.
The child has, however, announced he is coming back 😢 this weekend. He will be leaving again but still I’m dreading him coming back. Even for a short time. He’s my son and I love him. But he upsets the whole house and he doesn’t like being here which makes it worse.
I told MrH today that I’m not feeling right. That I feel disconnected from my submission (that is to say the level of submission I am used to) and I feel distant from him. And I’ve said I would like some additional discipline or high protocol time to pull my head back to him.
In all honesty I have no idea what I need. I know I don’t feel like I should or I want to. I’m not following his rules all the time and I don’t self report because I don’t feel I get punished in a way that works for me, so there’s no point. Last time I confessed to eating off plan he told me he was disappointed and although I was in tears I felt rejected not disciplined. I suppose in some ways there’s a disparity between how I envision punishment and how he does. Writing lines is boring but it’s not something I dread. I don’t mind writing. What I crave in some ways is for him to punish me. Really make me cry not from emotional pain but physical pain. But then I think that the thing that would really put the brakes on that is the children living at home and I don’t think it’s something he wants to do either.
I’m sure they would hear me crying out or the sound of the punishment. And that conversation is not one we intend to have. But when he says he is disappointed, and I don’t know what to do here, just makes me feel that he will leave and find someone who doesn’t disappoint. I suppose that I want something that will be short, sharp, uncomfortable and over. The idea of a physical punishment that breaks me, hurts me so bad that I’m crying so that afterwards Sir would hold me and soothe me and using aftercare etc show me how much I am cared for and loved despite letting him down, despite not being perfect, despite failing he still wants and cares for me, appeals to me. The punishment and then care.
The thing is, I want to follow the rules. They are all good for me. But when my head is not level I falter.
When we last went away (and this keeps going round in my head) MrH asked me if I remembered my Safewords. He told me good because I’m only going to stop if you use them.
The anticipation of what he would do was intoxicating. I imagined some heavy impact play. Maybe forced orgasms. Lots of delicious things. Unfortunately the wand broke. And things didn’t flow – maybe because I was (in my head) trying to work out what Sir was planning it stopped me from drifting into subspace, the food was awful and well it wasn’t great as it could have been. At no time was I pushed to a point where I would have called yellow for a time out, never mind red. I was not thinking safe words at all. Maybe I am a little disappointed that it didn’t happen. That the play didn’t push any boundaries as much as it was still very enjoyable.
Now I sound ungrateful and critical of MrH but I don’t mean to. After all this is a joint journey and we all have to be comfortable with the way things go. There will always be an element of compromise and circumstances have to be taken into account.
MrH has said he will try this weekend to help pull me back. Watch this space….
A lot of the bloggers I follow regularly do a FFTF post, but I’ve often read the prompt or questions and struggled to think of how I could answer. When I saw Rebel and Missy’s posts, and read the prompt, I decided that’s this week I wanted to take part…. I actually think I have something to say lol!
I guess I’m a moaner, groaner, sigher, and “maker of very odd noises” during play…
In fact I can be quite noisy.
MrH has on occasion shushed me or put his hand over my mouth. I don’t for one minute think he disliked it or felt uncomfortable, rather he was more aware at the time than I was that our adult children were moving about the house and able to hear. I think that bothers him – that they can hear.
When I’m still aware of things (not drifting away into subspace or completely under his spell) I will actively stop myself from making noise. This is mostly because I’m aware that our children might hear and that Sir doesn’t like that.
MrH rarely makes a sound. On the occasions when he does moan or groan I love it – it really turns me on. It takes that play to a different level knowing he’s had such pleasure from using my body, he couldn’t contain it. I get a real kick out of it and savour every time he does it. Just remembering that play can make me wet and horny ☺️.
I have no idea what Sirs preference is regarding my own responses. I have on occasion apologised for being loud and he’s said that I’ve no need to apologise but I don’t know what he actually thinks about it one way or another. If he likes it or not, if he prefers me quiet or free.
One thing that the introduction of the D/s dynamic has brought to play is dirty talk. It’s not incorporated all the time but I do get off on him talking to me. A few nights ago he told me to “just do as you’re fucking told” and although play had ended his commanding tone made me both wet and it affected by submissive mental state in a positive way. One thing I do like is when we are away from home he will tell me his plans during play. That really turns me on and sends me into a deeper level of submission. I also get off on him telling me I’m wet or dirty or his fuck toy…. the embarrassment and in a way the humiliation of the words when he says it makes me feel turns me on. I think it’s something that, as MrH gets more used to doing it, will become part of play more and more. Missy has in other posts talked about how HisLordship will clean her up after play and that his adds to the experience for her, the embarrassment, humiliation of being “cleaned” by him… when I’m in this mindset I can see it having a similar effect on me should MrH do that.
So, having said I like it when MrH talks – I do struggle to talk and so I’m grateful Sir doesn’t often ask me to. As Missy has said, the conscious brain that’s needed to form words and sentences has usually shut off and reactivating it in order to speak “ruins” the deep submissive place I’ll likely be in, or stops me from fully letting go and enjoying the play.
So, there you have it… my thoughts on sexy noises – I hope you enjoyed 😊
Check out my post on The Safeword Club this week…. Emotionally Bound where I talk about my difficulties in expressing kinky desires.
MrH has done a new post for The Safeword Club, taking about His thoughts as we reached the one year mark. Please go and have a read, and see how MrH has found things.
Our eldest has gone…. headed to London Town for to seek his fortunes….
And within an hour of his going the house felt calm again.
Admittedly I will have to disinfect his room (he smokes) and although he doesn’t do it in the house (as far as I’m aware) the room stinks 😷
He couldn’t take all his things and so at some point we will send the rest via a courier service.
But for now the main thing is – he’s gone. Sir and I can be normal again. And I can’t wait 😊😊
Yesterday I was given an opportunity to talk to both directors together when they were quite relaxed and happy. So, I pulled my big girl pants up and dived in.
I won’t go into it in too much detail but I told them how they had made me feel and asked if my job was safe.
They were totally shocked by how I’d felt and reassured me. I also told them about my less than ideal childhood and why aggressive behaviour frightens me.
Again they were really shocked that they had frightened me and promised to try and be better and mindful in the future.
So for now, I’m going to see how it goes.
This is another example of how D/s has changed me. With Sirs encouragement and support I have courage I didn’t have before.
Sometimes life pulls us in a direction we don’t like.
Sometimes we drift like a ship without an anchor.
Sometimes we talk utter rubbish….
Right now I’m really struggling (again). I’ve been faced with behaviour at work that I’m not comfortable with. A level of deceit that I don’t like. A certain amount of aggression that frightens me and some unreasonable attitudes that have caused me many sleepless nights and anxious days.
MrH wants me to look for another job, everyone I’ve discussed it in detail with, has encouraged me to do the same and, on more than 3 occasions in the last 10 days I thought I was either going to be sacked or that I’d walk out.
I have updated my CV (again) and it’s online. I’ve expressed interest in a few jobs, but I’m not overly smitten…. I am so sick of job hunting…. but, I’m currently working a 43 hour week (as constantly I fail to stop for a solid 30 mins lunch because the phone rings or someone asks me something) and I’m on over £1 less an hour than I was at my last job. So I’m working my arse off and being treated like crap… here’s the thing though…. the girls I hired are lovely and we have a great time. And when the managers are being nice and professional they are lovely. Unfortunately you never can tell what mood they will be in.
So I guess in all reality I will be moving on soon….
Is it really too much to ask for a pleasant working environment?
In the mean time I feel that my stress pulls me out of the submissive mind set that brings me the most fulfilment.
We were away at the weekend and normally that would see me in subspace at least once. It would have me super calm and blissed out. This time, although I enjoyed it very much, although I wanted so much to loose myself, I didn’t get the push I needed to let go of everything outside… I’m normally incoherent and yet I know I was asking questions and aware of everything going on.
I asked Submissy after reading her post “lifestyle submissive” how she and Hislordship use ritual to her back into home mode and she kindly shared the various rituals they have. I’ve shared them with MrH. I talked to him about it as in many ways at the moment I’m craving a firm hand. I want to feel his dominance and control. I want him to quiet my mind the way I know he can so I can leave work behind. But I don’t know if he will.
I don’t even know if it’s fair to expect him to.
This is a very “me” focused post… about my needs and my stresses (of course it’s my blog so you get my point of view 😊) which makes me feel selfish as I feel I shouldn’t be asking Sir for things … but I know MrH also says he can’t fix it if he doesn’t know it’s broken, so right now I feel a bit broken and I know MrH has the glue that can put me back together….