Posted in 18+

2018 – What a year.

This isn’t going to be a long post. Not at all.

This year I’ve learned a lot about myself and MrH.

We’ve loved more.

We’ve talked more.

We’ve grown closer.

We’ve made new friends.

There’s a number of blogs I read that I find inspiring and interesting, but I’m only going to mention a couple here.

SubMissy is an amazing woman. I’ve had the privilege to meet her and HisLordship and I very much hope to see them again.

New bloggers Purplesole and LittleGem have created a wonderful blog, and their posts are a delightful read.

I would like to wish you all a wonderful New Year and hope that 2019 brings you enough joy and happiness to get you through any times of hardship.

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Posted in 18+, Images

Bright Eyes

I’ve always thought my eyes are pretty nice.

They seem to change colour too which is kinda cool, sometimes they are a pale blue almost grey, sometimes they are definitely blue. Occasionally they look blue/green.

But I have always looked at my eyes and thought “yeah they’re pretty.”

If I were to ask MrH he’d probably say the same.

Now, MrH has brown eyes. Deep and warm. They sparkle when he’s feeling mischievous. They are thoughtful and they manage to convey so much feeling when he looks at me that sometimes it’s quite overwhelming. I love his eyes. I watch his eyes when he’s not looking. And, they see right into me.

I try to hide my eyes from his. Frequently. He sees too much.

I shy away from looking directly into his eyes, terrified I may see something other than love. Petrified.

When I am talking to him about things I want to try, things I would like him to do to me, I hide from his gaze. Literally. I will hide my face in his chest, or under his arm.

During sex I close my eyes, for a few reasons, but mostly because I don’t want to see him looking at me. Or perhaps see him look with disgust or dislike. And then the worse one, that maybe he isn’t looking at me at all, that he’s looking through me, or picturing someone else.

So better not to look at all. Then I can try to convince myself that he’s looking at me with delight.

It must be difficult being with someone like me, who can see beauty in everyone else but not herself. I get the hypocrisy. I can talk the talk but I don’t believe it myself.

So I hide my eyes. And try to hide my doubt.

And at the same time I want to him to grab me and make me look at him. I want him to make me believe I am what he sees. Stop me from doubting. Look at me until I tremble and show me that I’m wrong. To have him look deep into my bright eyes until I believe.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Hotel Play Dates, Life in General

Too many toys?

Is there such a thing? Surely not. I mean you can’t have too many shoes either right?

But, we have toys at the moment that we haven’t yet used. Toys I’ve been looking forward to MrH using.

We have two sets of clamps that have yet to come out of the wrappers, that we got after a visit to see HisLordship and SubMissy.

We have a spiral glass dildo that we have yet to try.

And today we ordered a pebble clit stim from the knickerfairy.

Now MrH is damn good with his hands, but I would be lying if I said it wouldn’t be easier to bring me to climax with the wand or other vibe.

Pair the wand with a cock in my pussy or mouth and I’m in heaven [until he lets me down].

Now we haven’t played much with anal especially since I had the problem with the haemorrhoid from hell.. but even before then, and with the exception of 2 occasions always when we are away.

It’s something I was hoping MrH and I would explore more but since the haemorrhoid I don’t know if MrH has changed his mind. I mean obviously something when wrong that play time, and we think it’s a combination of things…. the shape of the toy we used (beads), probably not enough lube, and it was removed without talking to each other (brace yourself/relax honey) 😂 .

In some respects we learned from the experience…. lube, lube and more lube…. smoother shaped toys…. and communication on insertion and removal.

In any case I’m hoping that in the new year we will play more with toys and explore more anal play at home. Especially if we want to have a Scotland tour in 2019 we won’t be able to go away to a hotel once a month, every month, so our play at home is going to have to push our boundaries a little.

It’s quite easy to stay within the limits of what you find comfortable and easy, but pushing those limits enables you to grow.

Posted in 18+, Images

The knicker fairy delivers

There is a lovely Ann Summers rep I know and MrH and I order lingerie from her.

As there is a sale on we ordered two new sets.

They arrived today and they are lovely, but as I look pictures to show MrH I was struck by negative thoughts.

Serious negative thoughts.

Now I know, I have body image issues. They stem back to my adolescence and a lack of good parental encouragement. I was never told I was pretty, or clever. I had a big arse, a flat chest, and I was lazy in school. At least that’s what they told me. Turns out I was not lazy just severely dyslexic. And looking back I was a perfect size 10. I mean 34-24-34 …. I wasn’t flat chested I had a perfect hourglass figure, but I couldn’t see it. I still can’t.

I’m going to post the images here, because I need to face these demons head on.

And I believe MrH would say that as self conscious as I feel about them he on the other hand would say, “I happen to have a very high regard for your wobbly bits. In all circumstances.” (Stolen from Bridget Jones Diary – spoken by Mark Darcy).

Posted in 18+, Life in General

Brain Zapps

So I’m 5 days off tramadol.

It’s going well, I think.

I’ve found ways to manage the lingering nausea (thank you Gaviscon) and also ginger biscuits, and ginger and lemongrass cordial with sparkling water.

But one thing I can’t get around are the Brain Zapps. Honestly it’s like someone whispers in your ear “Zappzapp” and there’s a mild shock runs through your head from one side to the other.

They are unpredictable and fleeting but also make you very aware that your mental capacity is compromised.

A few years ago my dr put me onto a type of antidepressant that also is supposed to help with neuropathic pain. In the UK it’s called gabapentin (I also was on pregabalin for a time too). Now I didn’t find them helpful at all in reducing my pain, but they were treating my pain as if it was being caused by what they called missfiring signals. Basically they believed my body was still reacting to a pain that no longer actually existed. What it did do however, was encourage my body to put on weight. Fast.

When I paid privately for medical tests that showed there was in fact an on going physical cause for the pain (arthritis) the dr agreed to take me off the gabapentin. During this withdrawal I first experienced brain zapps. Something to do with the serotonin or noradrenaline.

It took about a week to get rid of all the side effects from stopping the gabapentin. I’m hoping that this is similar and that there’s only a few more days to go.

I’m also so tired.

Thankfully MrH is so wonderful and supportive. Hugging me. Encouraging me. Reminding me that it will pass.

He is my absolute rock, without him I wouldn’t be as strong as I am.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences

Christmas Surprise

I reached out and touched him. When he’s naked I’m allowed to touch without first seeking permission.

I stroked his cock, gently.

I leaned closer, kissing him, and when he didn’t tell me to stop, I took him in my mouth.

He grew hard, and sighed.

I continued to please him. Hearing him moan with pleasure, encouraging me to continue.

Now I admit I wasn’t taking him in as deep as normal, which I know he loves, because of my nausea which I’ve been suffering. I’m grateful MrH didn’t complain or force me deeper on his cock. After all he could have done so to take his pleasure. He has my permission to use me as he wishes.

He did grab my hair and pull me off him. Placing me on my back. I expected him to enter me and cum, instead he said “arms above your head.”

I moved, somewhat awkwardly, my hair wasn’t plaited and as long as it is now it was caught under my back. I eventually freed my hair and was able to lie comfortably.

Sir found my clit and pussy, and began to touch me.

Unfortunately the TV was on and it was distracting for a while. I couldn’t detach from the sounds and as much as I wanted to respond only to him, my body resisted.

I get very annoyed with myself when this happens. It makes it more difficult for MrH to get the response he desires from me, and of course my annoyance doesn’t help the mindset either. It becomes quite a vicious circle. “That’s nice, feels good, what the fuck are they on about [on the tv], stop it, focus on MrH,” and so on….

He won, on course, he pulled my mind to him, talking to me, about my body belonging to him, responding to him, and the tv noise fell away. The program also ended at some point which helped more.

He brought me to climax and kept me there, waves and waves, his fingers inside me driving me on again and again.

I don’t know how many times.

When he moved between my legs and thrust his cock in me, I welcomed it, I think I cried out, I wanted him in me so badly by then.

He climaxed and I felt…. bliss. My body calmed, relaxed.

He placed a towel between my legs as he withdrew and I rolled into his arms.

It was a very merry Christmas night 😊

Posted in 18+, Life in General

Christmas Day 2018

I’m still suffering from the tramadol withdrawal. Which sucks. MrH is looking after me, as is our youngest B. Our eldest S didn’t come home, he went to stay with friends.

We don’t really make a huge fuss at Christmas we never have. I’m not a fan of commercialisation and the oneupmanship that occurs this time of year. We’ve always had a simple budget for Christmas presents for the boys [£100 each] and at birthdays they get £50. In our opinion it’s enough.

There have been occasions when they have had larger gifts… an Xbox or a computer. These have always been combination gifts and only when we could afford it.

MrH and I have never really exchanged gifts until the last few years.

But now we’re chilling watching TV. The turkey is cooking and we’ll eat around 5:30pm as usual.

I’ve just been for a shower and washed my hair. I feel a little brighter for it. I just wish I could get rid of this nausea!!!!! I hate feeling sickly. 🙁

Every time MrH takes the turkey out of the oven to baste it, both cats go running to the kitchen. I can almost hear them thinking “drop it….. drop it…..”

I’ve no doubt that when I’m eating it I will have 2 friends…

MrH keeps asking me if there’s anything I need…. other than a good seeing to. Naturally I replied I always want that.

His response surprised me…

“Ahh if it’s just a want perhaps I’ll make you wait longer.”

My eyes must have widened in surprise. And I asked, “until when?”

“Until it’s a need, Sweetgirl,” he replied.

I have assured him I was downplaying it. I I soooooo need it!!!!!


Turkey image from the food network.

Posted in 18+, Life in General

24th December 2018

The nausea continues.

Restlessness too.

MrH is at work for a few hours. And I miss him.

I’m watching mindless TV and staying hydrated. Nibbling on rich tea biscuits.

MrH gave me some lashes with the cane last night just to help me relax. It did. It still took me a while to fall asleep but I felt really good.

Some of the brain fog is clearing. If the nausea would just bugger off I’d feel like I’m getting somewhere.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

23rd December 2018

I’m determined to finish my advent post challenge – but I imagine the next three (this included) will be my worst ever posts!

I have now missed 3 Doses of tramadol.

By lunch time yesterday I was feeling the effects.

Nausea.

Brain Zaps

My body feels heavy, achy. My sinus are congested. My head aches. Essentially like a bad cold.

I slept a little yesterday afternoon.

I struggled to get comfortable to sleep last night but did eventually fall asleep.

MrH has gone in search of rich tea biscuits to help settle my tummy.

In the mean time I’m drinking plenty and resting.

As they say “this too shall pass.”


As a little addendum…. I probably won’t be reading many posts as reading doesn’t help the nausea – but as soon as I am able I will read 😊