Posted in Life in General

His Little old lady

Sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m 44 and I’ve had surgery to remove osteoarthritis from my big toe joint so it would bend. I have arthritis in my shoulders, spine and knees.

I’ve had an operation to control stress incontinence.

I have had a hysterectomy.

The arthritis in my spine causes so much pain I take strong painkillers and am now having a nerve ablation to provide long term pain relief. This treatment will have to be repeated annually.

Since my hysterectomy I’ve suffered with urinary tract infections and developed rear vaginal wall weakness that causes my back passage to bulge into the vaginal cavity.

And now, haemorrhoids.

I mean, honestly how much more….

I’m 44 and sometimes I feel like a really really old lady!

When we met I was a single mom and as he says, I was his MILF…

We’ve grown together, raised 2 wonderful boys together.

Thank goodness he wants us to grow old together too ‘cos I seem to be growing older faster than him.

Why is it men get better looking as they get older?? MrH certainly has.

When this pain procedure has been done, I am looking forward to being able to walk a little more. Maybe then I won’t feel so old.

The only time I don’t feel old is when he holds me. When he kisses me. When I’m with him. Then I feel ageless. I am his and he is mine. Nothing else matters.


Image courtesy of google. I was unable to locate the original source.

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Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

My love, my life…. always

We had a wonderful time at the hotel.

MrH blindfolded me and kissed me. He led me to the bed and had me shuffle back. I felt myself move over the waterproof mat so he’d put that over the bed. He passed me the doxy. “Masturbate for me,” he said.

I hesitated, not because of fear, or embarrassment, but because I didn’t know how to turn it on. I told him so. He put my fingers on the buttons and I spent a few moments just turning it on and adjusting the speed.

He asked if I needed anything and I asked for some lube. I find using a bit of lube with toys makes them soo much more… more… yummy – you know?? He applied some to the wand, and I began.

And… holy crap, that thing is amazing!!!!

I don’t think I’ve ever climaxed so fast…. or so many times. Before I knew it, I’d squirted.

MrH took over the wand and he continued…. he made me cum over and over, then he let me drift down a little… he got the anal beads, covered them in lube, and inserted them. He turned the wand back on and before long he had me cuming, and cuming. He fucked my face as I came and as the orgasms washed through me he moved the beads in and out….. I loved it.

Eventually he turned the wand off, and came in my mouth.

He removed the beads, which pinched a little bit.

Afterwards he held me close.

It didn’t end there, not by a long shot and We had a fabulous weekend…….

But then…..real life butted in… The devils grape....

On Monday I had to come home from work early. I felt faint and sickly. I didn’t know why. And then, on Monday night I felt a small lump on my butt hole and MrH had a look on Tuesday morning. This is a real life blog and I always said I would keep it real… so I won’t apologise for this post being icky or tmi… this is life!!

Anyway, I have developed a haemorrhoid. Yes you read that right… a haemorrhoid.

I didn’t know what it was for sure until today when the dr confirmed it.

We don’t know if the anal toy has caused some irritation, or if it is simply one of those things.

The pain is what’s making me feel sick and faint. The dr has given me some cream which the chemist doesn’t have in stock so I won’t get it until tomorrow…

If it gets worse I’ve to go straight to A&E, but in the mean time, I have to keep pressure off it (my ass that is) and rest.

Of course I had silly worries … could it be something serious?? So I felt some relief when the dr said it was just a very painful haemorrhoid.

MrH has been worried that he caused this. That maybe the anal play contributed but then again maybe it didn’t.

I don’t think MrH and I will use the beads again.. but I hope this doesn’t stop MrH from anal play altogether. It’s something I enjoy but perhaps we need to use different toys, more lube, I don’t know…

For now, I have to do as I’m told and rest.

I guess what I’m writing about today, is how truly amazing MrH is. The fact that I’m comfortable enough to talk to him about anything. The fact that he’s there by my side no matter what. Holding me when I need it. Pushing me forward when I need it. Slowing me down when I need to. We’ve been together since 1995. We’ve been living together since 1998. Married since 1999. He knows me. He really knows me. He accepts me. And, he loves me.

He. Loves. Me.

And I…. 😊 I…. 😁 I love him so much! I smile just thinking about him.

Now I’m going to go and rest and stop being mushy 😂

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences

Fuck me shoes!

MrH has treated me to some gorgeous Xmas gifts this year – yes I know it’s not Christmas yet, but we don’t do the whole Christmas morning thing. So we have purchased things that are our Christmas gifts. MrH has some floggers made by Amelia Hawk (and they feel awesome!) and a new motorbike helmet. He’s also got a few stocking fillers.

What did he get me?

Well, a doxy wand… and OMG it beats the lovehoney one no question! Thank goodness we got the waterproof mats because during our play yesterday, MrH coaxed several (forced) orgasms and two squirt orgasms out of me.

A spiral glass anal dildo, (not yet tried)…

And some fuck me red shoes….

See who else is sinning this Sunday by clicking the image.

Sinful Sunday
Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

Bridging the gap

Yesterday I had a melt down.

We hit what’s probably been the biggest wall in our D/s journey. Relatively speaking the first 16 months of our D/s have moved along without much difficulty (after the initial adjustment and frenzy passed).

I’ve had a couple of “ahhh” (or lightbulb 💡 moments) along the way, the major one being when I read MrH post A New Dom’s Tale. Before I read this one of my biggest worries was that MrH was simply humouring me. There’s a saying in the uk and I don’t know if it’s global but people often say they will “do anything for a quiet life” and I worried this was how MrH saw D/s. I needn’t have worried. After I read the post I relaxed my guard more and let go (or so I thought) of the last bits of resistance.

As time has gone on, we have explored more. We have been to an event. We have settled into a routine. We have become complacent.

Somewhere along the way, we stopped talking.

We’ve had moments where we reconnected deeply. Our trip to visit Missy and HisLordship was one. Our talk in the car on the way home brought with it some decisions regarding public play as well as MrH opening up a little about his future plans.

I know he has a rough idea of where he plans to take us, unfortunately he doesn’t communicate well and so I have felt lost. As if MrH has no desire to move forward and so this has made me push, trying to take control, falling back into old behaviours. Of course this just creates frustration and unhappiness.

So with a cascade of situations over the last 4 weeks illness etc things came to a head yesterday while MrH was at work. I fell into a hole of misery and fear. I felt my heart crack and I spent a lot of the day crying.

Unfortunately MrH was at work and he couldn’t do anything to resolve it until he came home.

Resolve it though he did.

Before he even removed his coat he hugged me and told me he loved me.

We talked on and off all evening. We had to stop when child was about but he held me close and we talked.

I’ve admitted I’m to blame for pushing. For not trusting he will do the things that I think he should. For example…. after play it’s a good idea to check in… what did you like what didn’t you and so on… over the last year I’ve instigated this because I have “got fed up of waiting for him to do it” but he told me yesterday, he’s waiting for me to come back round before having that conversation and I jump in. So I need to trust he will do it.

I’ve asked him to tell me more. I am left wondering if he’s enjoyed play because he doesn’t say anything. I know it doesn’t come naturally to him, but I need to hear it. As I will tell him I’ve enjoyed a scene… perhaps some of you will cringe, but if I’ve enjoyed a particularly amazing set of orgasms and I feel super scrummy I will curl up and thank him. I’ve pointed out that I would like the same kind of feedback too. He’s said he will do his best to communicate more.

He has said I need to work on telling him when he’s doing something I particularly enjoy – at the time- and especially if I want him to “not stop”. I’ve agreed to give it my best effort – as sometimes words have left me.

I also asked if he could perhaps offer some positive feedback as well as negative. In December last year MrH gave me some New Rules. One was dropped quickly because of pain but the others remain. Now I am pretty good at following them well some of them. My diet is out of control at the moment, but I get no feedback. I always wear matching underwear and unless I’ve been told otherwise I go pantiless on Fridays. I groom as he likes everyday. But he doesn’t say anything. Now sure it could be argued why should he need to. He gave you rules to follow, you shouldn’t need a pat on the back for doing it. But, what’s the point? If you don’t get anything for making the effort? I get no praise for being good I get no punishment for failing. MrH said he understood what I meant and he would think about this.

Last night when we turned off the lights he touched me tenderly, lovingly. He brought me to climax twice, then as the second climax was running through me he moved me so he could enter me with his cock and he took his own pleasure, giving me his cum.

We lay after touching and quiet. It was exactly what I needed. To feel loved and wanted. To feel his desire and tenderness.

This morning I woke feeling better. The darkness has cleared.

I’m not naive we will I’m sure need to have many more conversations in the months and years to come and probably more meltdowns too. But the point is, we are a work in progress. Our D/s, our Marriage, our relationship our love is a work in progress and always will be.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

Distance

Our D/s relationship has created an emotional closeness that I love. No, more than that, something that I crave.

The more time that goes between play the more distance seem to grow back. The more distant I feel. Then I start to examine behaviour.

I stop cuddling up because I want MrH to tell me to.

I stop touching him because I want to see if MrH will tell me to.

I realised last night that I start “testing” MrH. In my mind I’m still wondering how much he wants to dominate me. I want him to demand my submission. Over one year on, and I’m still pushing him to be more dominant than he chooses to be.

And I hate that about myself.

I shouldn’t test him.

I shouldn’t challenge him.

I need to behave better.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences

Maintenance works…

He’s semi reclined on the bed when I walk in the room. I don’t realise immediately that he has his cane in his hand. What I did notice is that our boy cat is sat up, attentive. When I do notice the cane I realise that this is what has my cat so focused. His head is moving, following the cane and MrH looks like he’s conducting an orchestra!

The cane. A shiver of excitement has fluttered through me, but as we have not been well and Sir didn’t do the maintenance session last week, I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’m still a bit sniffly.

I needn’t have worried. After a little while MrH says… “come on, arse up or lied down, which ever you prefer.” And he moves the cat off the bed.

I chose arse up, in an almost on all fours position, but I’m actually on my forearms so I’m a little more relaxed.

In this position the skin stretches over my behind and each blow comes keen. By that I mean they always hurt a bit more than when I’m laid down flat.

MrH works over my backside with his cane. He now has more room either side of the bed as we have moved out some furniture. When he decides he has done, he tells me “that’s it, all done.” He lays next to me and covers me with the quilt, and holds me close.

I’m relaxed and drowsy. That night I slept soundly.

————————

A regular cane session is a new thing for us but it’s something I find really helps me. Yet brings a reminder of the dynamic and forces me to relax.

While we have been poorly and, as regular readers will remember, I’ve had some cysts in a very awkward location so at this point I haven’t had an orgasm for 27 days….. unfortunately these things are stubborn little things. My dr has explained that they are harmless enough, they are just annoying. Some will have to burst and some won’t. Right now there’s still a small lump, and I don’t know if MrH will decide play is not allowed or not. I’m almost certain this remaining lump is one that will simply go on it’s own, where the collected sebum will be absorbed by my body rather than have to be expelled by bursting. But I don’t know what MrH will decide to do.

I hope he wants to play. I desperately want the connection.

I feel I need it, especially as MrH will be in work all day tomorrow. A day I dread. I hate the Saturday when he has to work and I am home alone. I try to fill my day but all I’m aware of is how he is not there. I’m at the hairdressers for a few hours in the middle of the day. And I have a bit of sewing I can do. But for the most part I will just miss him. A lot.

Posted in 18+, Images

In shadow

It’s been a few weeks since I took part in Sinful Sunday, but as I was drying my hair this evening (thanks to the new room layout and a brighter light bulb) my shadow was cast clearly against the wall. I thought it looked a bit cheeky and so took a couple of pics. I’ve added a filter to it but the original is also below.

Click on the lips to see who else is taking part…

Sinful Sunday
Posted in 18+, Life in General

The house of ill

MrH isn’t well. He has a really nasty cold. He is coughing something rotten and I feel so useless.

MrH is not a “man flu” man. He doesn’t complain. He doesn’t whinge. He keeps to himself and gets on with it. I think he would happily head to a cabin in the middle of nowhere when he is unwell.

I’ve done my best to not hover. I’ve tried to give him space. It’s not easy.

We’re doing a move about of our bedroom and it’s stalled because he’s not well. I’ve done all I feel comfortable doing. But the last step involves drilling the wall and although I can do it, it’s something MrH usually does.

I’m also making some runners for the bedside drawers that we can put our phones/glasses in…

I’ve done the one for MrH and tomorrow I will do the one for my side. I’ve even used one of the decorative stitches on the sewing machine along the top edges of the pockets. I’m pleased with how it’s turned out.

As the day has gone on, MrH has started to feel a little better and my throat is starting to hurt. I really don’t want to be ill.

It’s been 21 days since MrH permitted me to orgasm. And whereas I was horny and needy now I’m slipping towards feeling unwanted.

Yes I know MrH isn’t well…. yes I know I had some cysts that prevented play… yes I know it’s not rational…. did I say it was???? No. But this blog is not about selling my life or me as being perfect! This is me with all my neurotic baggage.

So, he’s poorly – I’m not sparkling, but I want to get the bedroom move done because Sir wants more space to play, and I want everything to be ready for when he does want me.

I have no idea what we will get done tomorrow. It will depend on how we all are I guess….

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences

Checking in

Every now and then, so I’ve been told, it’s good for a D/s couple to check in. That is to say review what’s working and what’s not, to make sure you’re both happy to continue. It’s a way of making sure both parties continue to give consent.

MrH and I, in the beginning, and on the advice from a D/s site introduced a weekly “down time” we had a ritual worked out and did our best to do it. It fell by the wayside after a few weeks. I think mostly because it felt fake and didn’t fit us. MrH is not very good at communicating his feelings and he says he doesn’t really analyse things in that way. He’s happy or he’s not. If something makes him happy he will do it. If it doesn’t then it will affect his enthusiasm to do it. I mean you know he goes to work each day and sometimes he’s been very unhappy with it but as he says he has to work so he goes, but from a relationship point of view he doesn’t really spend time thinking “how does that make me feel?”

I think because of that MrH sometimes forgets to check in with me after play or on a regular basis. I prompt him sometimes, so we do review things if we’ve done something different.

Anyway, a few nights ago I decided to send MrH an email to check in. I asked him 13 questions, about how he felt, what he liked, if he wanted to continue, what plans he had and so on. He thought about them and replied. He asked me to answer the same questions. So I did.

I suppose some of you (my readers) might think that as the submissive I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t ask questions of my Dominant, I should wait for him to. But, consider this. MrH and I are a partnership. We are only 17 months into the new dynamic and it is still new when you compare it to the 22 years that have gone. Our old dynamic would have seen me open communication. It doesn’t come naturally or easily for MrH to do it. I am sure that with time MrH will find his footing with this and will not need prompting. But for now I am happy to give him a little nudge, open the door a crack and allow him to take it from there.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences

I am

“Who’s are you?”

“I am yours.”

Who’s my girl?”

“I am.”

“Who’s going to get my cum?”

“I am.”

Last night during our collar exchange ritual, MrH changed the last sequence. Usually he asks “who’s the only girl who gets my cum?” as a way of reinforcing to me that I am the only one he wants. By changing this simple thing he let me know that there would be some play.

We snuggled for a bit and then I was told to suck his cock. I knew he planned to cum and so I tried to make sure I did the things I knew he enjoyed.

I love it when I can hear him sigh, hear him make the small sounds of pleasure.

He told me he was going to give me his cum and I felt him fill my mouth.

By this point I was dripping. But the little cysts mean that’s there’s no play for me until they have gone.

I Slept pretty well last night. Being controlled and instructed that way feeds my submissive mind beautifully. MrH slept well too.

On the way to work today my mind kept playing back the oral play from the night before, and again my body responded.

The cysts have now drained and so I’m more comfortable (phew) and I’m hoping that soon MrH will decide to play with me and that I’ll be allowed to orgasm 😊😊😊