Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

Foot works

Today MrH said it would be a rest day.

“We have no deadlines,” he said, “so rest. I have things to do and you can rest.” I know I looked a bit crestfallen and he added, “I protect you- even from yourself.”

He’s not wrong of course. I am my own worst enemy at times. Doing too much and paying for it later. So I have pottered about. I have gone through my bedside drawer and my chest of drawer. Thrown away some rubbish and rearranged it in preparation for the final move about.

Later I might do the other one. I might not.

But for now, well for the next 2 hours in fact, I am in pamper mode. On Friday I called at the beauty supplies wholesalers that I am lucky enough to be a member of, to purchase the colour protecting Joico shampoo and conditioner. By going to the suppliers I saved £19 on the retail cost. I also got a foot mask.

You may have seen them, they are little booties that you put on and leave on for a while. After you have taken them off they continue to work and within 7 days all the yucky dried calloused skin on your feet flakes off. So here I am, sitting in my slippers with squelching feet if I stand up.

I’m also feeling a little down. Some regular followers have commented, asking if I am ok.

I am. I have some remnants of sub drop from our hotel stay. I am extremely disappointed that my back procedure wasn’t done. Chronic constant pain is wearing and sometimes I cope better than others. Unfortunately at this time of year I do struggle. I love autumn. I really do. A number of years ago my father passed away. It was sudden. Unexpected. He was 51 and he had a massive heart attack. The last time I spoke to him was in the hospital, on my birthday, after he had suffered what we thought was a mild heart attack. A week later he died. Every year, my birthday heralds the approach of the anniversary.

I drop and MrH holds me up. He keeps me above water. He reminds me how much I am loved and each year I have dropped less, and recovered faster. Last year was the quickest yet.

This year I feel as if I haven’t even dropped as far and that can only be due to MrH’s support.

So today I am resting and indulging in some pampering. After all taking time to recharge is important.

Of course it’s no where near as fun as sexual recharging….. the high I get from being used as Sirs toy (especially when he allows me to suck his cock as he uses his hands to demand orgasm after orgasm from me – after a short time I feel my mind and body fall away, and I stop making conscious decisions); or when he uses his impact toys, the squealer, the flogger, the cane or his hands (or any combination) and after a while the pain fades, my body relaxes and my mind floats away. It’s not the same as when MrH orders me to my knees, and fucks my mouth.

It’s not the same as when he tells me to pull my pants down so he can use my pussy. But then again, I am perhaps a greedy girl……

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Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

My Sir

Things have been strange recently. I think D/s has become our normal/default setting and so in many ways the sparkly new shine it once had has gone.

I don’t mean to suggest that I’m not content because I am – very much so. I still feel calmer and more settled than before. I am still consumed by desire and need for Sir.

Our communication is still better than ever and I am getting better at asking for things. There is of course room for improvement, both for me and for MrH. I need to speak up and ask when I like something, instead of feeling embarrassed. MrH needs to remember to initiate a debrief. But we accept we are not infallible or perfect.

In the beginning the introduction of D/s is/was intoxicating. We were sexually supercharged. We sent dirty messages to each other during the day and at bed time MrH and I would allow the passion to erupt.

Of course life does get in the way at times. Where I used to work was quiet and steady. I could respond to messages easily. Then I was out of work for a while, and worked part-time for a time. My new job is busy and I probably look at my phone twice during the day. If I’m lucky. So we don’t seem to send messages any more.

With the return of me working full time our home life has settled again into a routine of sorts. We are back to having just one child at home (I say child – he is 20 years old) and at present he isn’t working. He does tend to be occupied on his computer/Xbox on an evening and occasionally he goes out which allows us some more alone time.

Yesterday was one such evening. He went to the local pub with some friends and so MrH decided to play. He used his flogger and candles. We had supper and cuddled for a while afterwards, then Sir instructed me to suck his cock. I was even allowed to continue until he came in my mouth and so I was very content when we settled to sleep last night.

Of course I have also been super horny all day (week). My last orgasm was on Saturday morning in the hotel before we left, and I’m still affected the same by the submissive mind set as I have always been. I want Sir all the time.

We have been working on the bedroom redesign this weekend. One wall of our bedroom is now ready for painting. We have the shelf to put up under the TV for the NOW TV box and we have the hanging rails to put up in the dressing room. Once they are all up the clothes can be moved and the second wardrobe in our bedroom dismantled. I don’t know if MrH plans to do that tomorrow, and I have realised that I mustn’t push this as that isn’t allowing MrH to be in control. Quite the opposite. So today I have kept quiet and followed his lead. It’s been quite challenging, as it’s not our/my “normal” way but I got through it. Instead of trying to organise and push MrH into doing things to my schedule I have waited for him to tell me when he planned to do something then I have asked to help. We have done quite a bit. Enough really. I probably would have tried to do more. Too much more. Which is why I decided I should remember he is in charge for a reason. He knows best. He really does know when to stop, when I need to stop.

It’s now coming to 7pm. That’s time for baths and getting ready for bed. I want to try and finish painting one more kitchen chair before then.. that will mean 2 of the 5 are done. But instead I will rest. I really want to finish them all this weekend and the table pedestal but I need MrH help with the table pedestal as it has to be taken off the table for me to paint it. I know MrH will either allow me to or he won’t. And if he doesn’t it will be because I will have done enough.

It will be strange when the bedroom project is complete, as we will have a lot more space… MrH has plans to put points on the wall that I can be tied to. He also plans to make a bench similar to HisLordships, but that will be a while off yet.

So for now I will wait until My Sir wants to play with me. I will be ready and eager when he does. He’s my Sir, my love, my husband and protector. I asked him to lead our lives and he has, and I need to work on letting him lead in all things not just the bits I feel comfortable with.

Posted in 18+, Life in General

Autumn Colours

A few weeks ago I decided it was time for a change. I discussed it with MrH and at my next appointment my wonderful hairdresser helped me out.

Gone is the blonde. I’ve embraced autumn 🍂 and gone for red. It’s washed out a little now, it was deliberately coloured darker so it could fade without looking washed out. I love it, I was ready for a change and it seems to really work with my colouring.

Anyway MrH likes it, and that’s all I care about.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

Journal entry 24th October 2018

They cancelled my hospital admission.

I was supposed to be having the second procedure done in my spine on Monday… by today I would have been feeling better… by Friday I would have been, dare I say, finally pain free. At least my back wouldn’t be hurting.

Instead I am waiting for them to call me with a new admission date.

Yesterday MrH told our son he had been looking forward to taking me to the cinema when my back was not painful.

I wanted to cry. You know why? Because “he wants to take me out“.

Even in the beginning of our relationship we didn’t really date. I had a house so he came round. I would go to the pub he was going to and he would meet me there. We sometimes went to the cinema with his friend and his girlfriend, but not often. Then we had our youngest son and got married. We’ve been to the cinema of course but usually it’s been at my suggestion. MrH has never said “let’s go to the cinema.” So, that’s something for me to look forward to, once I get my back done.

Anyway, I digress. We had such an amazing time on my birthday and MrH has been looking after me, encouraging me to drink plenty and eat regularly to try and minimise sub drop. For the most part it’s worked. But yesterday I felt tired and a bit low and so I asked MrH if he could plan some play to help lift me.

Sir decided to get his cane out and I was caned. I slept soundly and on the way to work this morning I could still feel a little ache from Sirs cane.

He hasn’t marked me, but I did call “yellow” which tells Sir that I am nearing my limit.

We still have limited working electric points in the house. It’s going to be another week before the landlords can get it looked at, so we have no electricity in our bedroom. This means we can’t lie in bed and watch TV, so MrH is staying downstairs. If I need to lie down it means I’m away from him and that makes me feel unbelievably sad, so I stay downstairs, which hurts.

It really hasn’t been long that we have been in this routine of lying in bed after our bath/showers, snuggling and watching TV, and yet now I miss it terribly.

It’s Wednesday and the last two weeks Sir has performed a maintenance cane session. I don’t think that he will tonight as he did it yesterday, and he hasn’t told me he plans to.

It’s almost like a routine is forming. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. A cane session in the week, a play/fuck session at the weekend. I crave more. I don’t want complacencies to settle in. I want us to have more.

I feel greedy and ungrateful because I want very much for MrH to tell me he plans to play. I want him to whisper in my ear that I’m to please him by sucking his cock. For him to touch me and tell me he’s pleased that I’m wet and ready for him. That I’ve been a good girl and perhaps he’ll let me cum. That he will have fun with my body and use me however he wants. That as he fills me with his cum, he’ll remind me that I’m his. So I will feel his ownership of me as I fall asleep, and smell him on me when I wake up.

But for now, I will have to wait and see. Part of being in this dynamic is accepting that MrH is in control, and he knows what’s best.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

A dirty word?

Monogamy as defined by the Collins Dictionary is the “state or custom of having a sexual relationship with only one partner”.

When I first asked MrH to consider adding BDSM into our relationship and we began the discussions outside play wasn’t talked about. Then we started chatting to a couple on line. Suddenly I didn’t know where MrH planned to take us. Suddenly I panicked that I had opened a door I would regret.

It had been a standing joke during our vanilla life that I would do almost anything for MrH but a 3 some was absolutely out of the question. Having placed him in control, would this be what he decided to do?

Almost in a state of total fear I asked if he wanted to play with this other couple.. he responded did I?

Looking back and having spoken since we both had the same worry… but ultimately we agreed that no we do not want to play outside our relationship.

He has feelings of extreme possessiveness when it comes to me, and has said he doesn’t know what he would do if someone tried to touch me in any sexual way.

On my part I would simply cry, in a sobbing pathetic heap on the floor if I thought for even a second that MrH wanted to experience sexual pleasure with another woman. I have serious issues with it and MrH is very sensitive to that. But more than that, I don’t want MrH to flog or cane or tie anyone else.

So why have I started this post?

Have we changed our minds? Not at all.

Has someone suggested we should? No.

It’s just something that I have been thinking about. This expectation that a couple who have some BDSM elements in their relationship automatically want to play with other people; that they want to play in public and be watched or to watch others play – be that sexual or otherwise.

Many of the people who’s blogs I follow have, even if that wasn’t where they started out, ended up with outside play partners being introduced. They delve into the swinging scene or dive in head first. Some are in full time ploy-amorous relationships and some have semi casual partners. I guess it wonders around in my mind sometimes as to why that is. Why is it that monogamy seems so rare? I can’t imagine any other way of being. Perhaps I’m a selfish person at heart after all the thought of sharing MrH is completely abhorrent to me. I mean he is an amazing man. Generous and kind. A less selfish person would happily allow others to benefit from his care right? Well I won’t. I am quite content to be selfish in this regard.

It sometimes seems that the Dominant partner in these blogs have encouraged or demanded the extra sexual partner, and so again, this brings to my mind the question.. what if MrH changed his mind. What if he decided that he wanted to experience play with another? Well I always have the safe-word option. I can call red at anytime but, for me, it would be too late. Once that box was cracked open there would be no closing it in my mind. Once said, I would know that I wasn’t enough for him. Once said, I would know he wants someone else more than me. Once said, my heart would be broken.

The thing that drew us to The Safeword Club, to SubMissy and HisLordship is that they are monogamous too. We can discuss and chat about topics and play without thinking that any second they will be expecting us to swap partners or play together. Our recent visit to their home was fabulous for that same reason.

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled on for quite long enough today. I’m going to go and work on our evening meal, get a hot sweet cup of tea to keep subdrop at bay following our extended play on Friday, and then snuggle back in MrH arms where I belong.

Ta ta for now folks 😊

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Hotel Play Dates

Bliss

I’m in heaven…..

Seriously. We got home 6 hours ago (it’s now 16:15) and I’m still floating on a high. The crash will not be pretty. But right now. Damn! I feel spectacular…..

The day started well, MrH allowed me to suck his cock, then he used my pussy and gave me his cum. So, really I should have said, the day started very well!

Then at 12 we left to complete a few errands before we headed to the hotel. We bought some sandwiches to eat between play sessions. Walked round B&Q, Hobbycraft and PC World to kill some time. Then at 2pm we headed to the hotel.

From the moment we checked in MrH took control. We unpacked. He organised the room as he wanted, placed mats on the bed, and bent me over so he could insert the butt plug.

He used HisLordships gift “the squealer” and that sent me into the subspace district. I didn’t really leave for long during the rest of the day.

(So I don’t forget- thank you HisLordship 😊 I am sure it will be a regularly used toy. )

I was restrained using the under bed restraints, and MrH set to playing with his toy (me).

My clit was licked and stroked, my pussy was filled with MrH’s clone and thoroughly fucked. Sir used his wand and hands and I was allowed to suck Sirs cock while I came over and over.

When Sir decided I needed a rest he stopped and made me a hot sweet drink and had me eat a cake and some biscuits. Then I was given a treat. Sir allowed me to have his cum in my mouth.

He tied me up and later he flogged me with some rope floggers he made.

The surprise gift was a beautiful body suit. Unfortunately it doesn’t fit but he chose a beautiful item.

I did forget to pack Sirs cane and the flogger. But he improvised well.

This morning I asked MrH for an over the knee spanking and if he would then ….. well in the interests of honesty I didn’t quite manage to say “take me up the arse” but MrH did put me out of my misery and he said it for me – while using the wand.

And so, he did. Again I don’t recall how many times I came, but when I could no longer hold the wand, MrH pulled me to him and held me.

So as I said…. I’m in heaven…. right now the last 36 hours have been amazing and it’s definitely the best birthday I’ve ever had.

Posted in 18+, Life in General

When you’re not there

You’ve had to work late tonight, some issue has come up and you’re not here.

I feel desolate. Lonely. Alone.

I’m not – our 20 year old son is home. But my body aches that you’re not here.

A dear friend visited with gifts for my birthday. We chat and laugh. It helps. As soon as she leaves I am desolate again.

I can’t stand to be downstairs where you’re not.

I have a bath and get ready for bed.

You hope to leave soon. I could cry with relief.

And now I’m in bed, the wrinkled sheets where you slept last night, smell of you. But you’re not here.

It scares me how much I need you. Please, MrH, Sir, come home safe.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences

Trigger points

Triggers is a term that comes up frequently. “What triggers your sub space?” “What triggers your submissive mental space?” What triggers your dominance?” But triggers in this context can be hard to identify, but for me I define it as “a single or series of events that lead to an altered state of mental awareness.”

What sends me deep into sub-space one week might not another and of course MrH is trying to work out what these triggers are so he can use them.

I think I have very few single triggers, however, if my mindset is already turned to deeply submissive, and MrH gives orders (suck Sirs Cock, pull your pants down and bend over, lie on the bed etc) then my body will respond and get wet, my submissive state deepens and I’m only focused on him. I need that focus, that connection, his commanding authority to make me let go of the outside world.

If it’s been a few days since I have been used. If there’s been no extra dominance from MrH, then I find that our routine things no longer serve to “keep” my mind actively submissive. During the moment, for example while my collar is changed, a calm settles over me. I’m responsive and focused only on him. By the time I leave the room in a morning, that calm has lifted and my mind is racing on with that days planned events. I go to work and come home. We cuddle and I can sometimes return to the right mind set. But…. When this continues for a few days, my mental focus lifts. When this happens I have realised I need a series of things to happen to ensure that my mind is switched to on and my body is ready to respond to Him.

I need him to pull me back with his voice.

I need him to make me his.

I need him to strip me of the distractions of the week. Peel them away, remind me I am his and I don’t belong to work.

Unfortunately, at this moment in time, I do not know how MrH would do this. It’s something I’ve only recently realised, and so it will take some trial and probable error to work out the most effective triggers. I am also highly aware that this post is all about what I’m feeling and need – I am confident that if MrH needs anything from me he will let me know, and equally if he feels or thinks I am being selfish or demanding he will definitely let me know!!!

Still next Friday is my Birthday and we are away overnight…. we are off work all day… and will have plenty of time to play. I know MrH will make the most of it. I have a surprise present that he has purchased with the assistance of the knickerfairy on Twitter, and I am looking forward to seeing what he bought.

It’s been quite some time since we had play that sent me deep into subspace. I’ve hovered around the edge, relaxed and delicious, sleepy and calm, but the high, floating away feeling has been elusive. In part I think because of distractions or issues.

In the meantime MrH will continue to evaluate and discuss how to best identify and utilise triggers.

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

Reflecting on…. life

Over the last few weeks there have been a number of discussions between MrH and myself, about where we are, where we seem to be heading, and where we want to head.

These have led to a few realisations that in fact we need to change direction because we are heading where we don’t want to go.

One of these direction changes involves public play. Mrh has always said he isn’t sure about it. We went to a private event and observed people who we know present a flogging scene. This was very different. One pair were solely focused on themselves and the scene, with no real interest in who or how many people were watching. The other pair were very interested in being observed and in who was observing them. They wanted to be seen/watched.

For one of them the public play seemed almost incidental. The flogging took place, and it could have been anywhere, the Dominant seemed focused only on her submissive and his reaction. Similarly he didn’t seem to be getting anything in particular out of the public play. I could be completely wrong, of course, he could feel that being on display feeds him in a huge way. But it wasn’t apparent. Whereas the other pair, asked immediately “where many people watching?” They needed it. Does that make sense?

Anyway, MrH is a private person and the idea of public play doesn’t appeal to him on this level. Being watched would probably cause him some anxiety and discomfort, rather than feeding his feeling of dominance.

There’s more equipment at a club, and so scope to experiment, but there’s also time limits on how long you can be in a room, which would place a time constraint, that MrH is not keen on. I guess there could be an element of being made vulnerable by being exposed but that isn’t something we have explored much so far.

As a result we have agreed that public play is not on the cards for us. Maybe in years to come MrH may decide to bring it out for review but I think having examined the why’s we have realised we are talking about doing it more because we think “we should” in order to be a “real D/s” couple and that’s not the right reason.

Similarly I won’t be taking part in Sinful Sunday anymore. It has served its purpose for me. I started it as a way of showing myself I am attractive and the wonderful positive responses I have had have supported MrH’s point of view so completely that I must accept my own point of view is inaccurate. I’ve struggled for inspiration over the last few weeks and it’s because I’ve nothing new to share.

This post will actually be my 250th post, and my blog isn’t even 1 year old!

I looked back at some of my early blogs… and I am able to see how much has changed, how our D/s continues to deepen and change. How MrH has more control. I wrote a post about orgasm denial [Click here], how I didn’t know if I would be ok with that, and yet here I am not 11 months later, MrH’s ownership of my body has developed to such a degree that my orgasms don’t materialise unless he gives permission and we do have play sessions now where my achieving orgasm isn’t the goal. How things change…. and you know what??? I wouldn’t change a thing! 😊

Well…. not much anyway 😂

Posted in 18+, D/s Experiences, Life in General

I am his

I started to take part in Sinful Sunday as a way of challenging my negative body image. Despite having lost a lot of weight, I still struggle to accept that I might be attractive. The idea with Sinful Sunday, for me, was to see if that was a true statement.

MrH tells me I am beautiful, sexy, stunning… and I feel his tenderness and sincerity when he does. Momentarily I believe him but then doubt creeps in.

See, my early experiences of body image we’re not good. My step dad would tell me I had no figure worth showing off. The boys at school called me flat chested and frigid. My first real boyfriend became my first husband and he left me for a slimmer taller girl. At the time I was a perfect size 10.

So the idea was this. If other people not connected to me in any way were to say I was attractive/pretty/sexy then I would have to start to accept that maybe I am.

To a certain extent this has worked. On the other hand it has created other less desirable things.

My twitter account shows links to my posts and if I share a revealing image inevitably I will receive direct messages from men. It’s almost as if my sharing these images these men think I am open to a casual sexual conversation. I have amended my profile to say people must ask MrH before contacting me. Some do, and some don’t. If they don’t they get deleted. Mostly MrH will say no and tell them if they want to speak to me do so openly by commenting on a post.

One thing I have come to realise is this.

The only person I want telling me I am sexy/attractive etc, is MrH. When it comes to my body he is the only person who’s opinion I care about.

I am his.