It’s been one year and a bit since we became D/s.
I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
I’m also more terrified.
I’m so terrified that it will end.
Frightened it’s been a wonderful illusion.
Scared the passion will evaporate.
For years our relationship drifted along. We were happy enough, and we had good sex. Not often mind you – everyday life got in the way. We were tired. We didn’t make the effort. My self esteem was shit, I was overweight and decided that made MrH not want to touch me. No matter what he said I didn’t believe him. After all if you say you’re tired and don’t want to have sex with me it must be me right? Well that’s how my head rationalised it.
I’ve been guilty in the past of faking orgasms just so he didn’t feel like he couldn’t get me off when in reality the problem was in my head. It constantly told me he was just going through the motions with me – I was just a body to fuck when he really needed it. Part of me hopes he never realised that I was faking but I’m pretty sure he did and anyway when he reads this he’ll know. Anyway after a while I didn’t even do that, I just couldn’t summon the energy. In my mind I thought maybe he’d eventually, probably when the kids were older, leave for someone way more sexy and attractive.
I’m not saying this is in anyway true – just what my fucked up insecure inside voice would tell me.
That isn’t to say things didn’t improve. As I lost weight my self esteem got better. I felt better about myself and made more of an effort.
So in many ways loosing weight and feeling sexy again helped me to move forward but it hasn’t silenced that inner voice. Instead she has new ammunition.
I’ve opened the door to a world of new stuff. We are in a world where people freely share their bodies with more than one person. And no matter how many times I think that isn’t something we will do – that little inner voice (she’s a bitch- honestly) will not shut up. She shouts and whispers how I’m not good enough for him, not pretty enough, not slim enough, not sexy enough…..
I don’t even know where these fears come from. Yes my first husband cheated on me – that’s not MrH. Does it go back further? My mum and dad divorced when I was 5 and since then my mum has constantly told me that I my dad didn’t want me, I wasn’t what he wanted because he wanted a son. I never got to ask my dad about it as he passed away before I could pluck up the courage. His sister and his mum dispute my mums claims but after 25 years of being told the same thing it’s hard to believe anything else. But I wonder if this, being told I wasn’t wanted by dad, the first man a girl looks to for love and approval is at the core. But perhaps I digress… why am I rambling on about my evil inner bitch??
We are going to our first event next week.
I’m excited and nervous. I’ve got my outfit and I’m getting my hair and make up done. Why? Because I want MrH to feel proud to have me be his. I want him to feel like he has the most sexy amazing wife and I want to be able to show him how much he means to me by looking my best.
What I really want is to be able to silence that little bitch and know that no matter how gorgeous and sexy the other woman are at the event he finds me more desirable.
But how on earth can he achieve that?? I have no way of knowing that’s true. I’m no mind reader and he’s already trying to reassure me.
A few months ago he added some new things to our twice daily ritual… everyday he asks me “who’s my no. 1 girl?” and “who’s the only girl who gets my cum?”
At first this helped. But that inner bitch has a loud voice….
Now she’s managed to ruin these. When he asks me “who’s my no.1 girl?”
She says “out of how many???”
When he asks me “who’s the only girl who gets my cum?”
She squeaks… and how many does he wish he could give it to? Who does he want to give it to?
See I told you I could show you crazy!!!
That fear that I talked about? When you have a wife who you tell all the time how much you love her, how much she means to you and how much you don’t want anyone else….. how long until the crazy shit I’m talking about makes you give up? How long til you say fuck this I’m going to find a sensible person?
I don’t know the answer… I just hope that before that happens we find a way to gag that inner bitch before I loose the man who is more important to me than air.
The image is from a fancy dress party last year, and seemed appropriate, as Harley Quinn is madly in love, as well as crazy!!