Posted in Life in General

Black Hole

What depression means to me.

I posted yesterday that I’m not doing so well. I think that may be an understatement, but rather than prattle on about that, I thought instead I’d share instead what depression means to me because I believe that everyone experiences it differently.

I believe depression is a black hole. Once it gets you in its grip it slowly strips parts of you away.

Your sense of security.

Your confidence.

Your happiness.

Your self worth.

Your ability to feel joy.

Your motivation.

Your energy.

All sucked slowly away until the black hole has taken everything you have and you are left not as a shell of yourself, no, rather you have become the black hole.

You fear that you take things from other people, that you have become the thing you dread, that you take all these things from those around you, making their lives as black as yours. So you withdraw, further into yourself. You exist inside the black hole looking out. You can see the person you used to be. Everything you had, everything you desperately want back but you’re unable to reach it.

It mocks you this image, out of reach, you see echos of things you want and believe to be lost forever, because in this black hole you are numb to any positive emotion and feel only dispair.

Now I know that with time many of us do find a way to release ourselves from the black holes grip. We slowly, piece by piece, rebuild ourselves, but do we ever truly escape that gravitational pull? I don’t think so. I believe we come to exist on the very edge, always afraid we will be pulled back in. I think that hard as we try to rebuild ourselves one part never fits securely back in place, and that’s our sense of security.

Once you have experienced the devastation of depression you are never ever the same. The fear that it will return is ever present, at the back of your mind, threatening your peace of mind.

So when I am asked about my own depression and if I am “better” now, I always reply “I live with depression, and at the moment it’s under control,” because for me it’s always there, just waiting to take me back into the nothingness once more.

Posted in Life in General

Yep I was right (the one time I wish I wasn’t)

Infection confirmed… Antibiotics prescribed. Damn it!!!!

I can’t work on my story either (I’m too tired and it will likely be gibberish if I tried) so I’m just crocheting some baby booties instead..

I put a coin in with the second picture so you can see how tiny they are… Little newborn size Mary Janes 😊

Posted in Life in General

Give me strength – please??

So far every time I’ve had a water infection, I’ve also had some wierd physical symptoms… My heart pounds, and I have dizzy spells.

Strangely, these are the same symptoms I get when I have anxiety attacks. To be fair anxiety attacks are not something I suffer from frequently. In fact it’s been several years since I had one.. but that dizzy feeling, the ringing in my ears, the heart pounding…. I really do not need this today.

In two and a half hours I have to go and present my best self.. I have to dazzle and charm… To convince a man I’ve never met that I am the person he wants to manage his business administration and accounts… I also have to pursuade him that he needs to pay me enough to mean we cover our expenses and have a little left over.. All while trying to ignore the nagging, niggling discomfort in my abdomen, the pounding of my heart and the ringing in my ears. Oh and ideally I’d like to not pass out on standing up to leave the interview – cos you know, that’s not the impression I want to leave?!?

So if you’re reading this and have a moment to spare – send me some good thoughts will you?? To help me get through it ….


Interview cancelled as the owner has been called out of the office for an emergency. I guess that works 😂

Hopefully by the time it’s rescheduled I’ll be feeling better!

Image from

Posted in Life in General

Not again!

It’s now 4:50am. I’ve been awake since 2.

I’m pretty sure I have another water infection and the discomfort is stopping me from sleeping so in the end I got up. I was so restless I didn’t want to disturb MrH, he has a full day of work ahead.

This is one of the things that drives me bonkers…. All the pain meds I take, I shouldn’t be able to feel a broken bone, instead I feel everything that isn’t my “usual” pain acutely.

Anyway, at 8am I’ll head to the drs with my “sample” and they will call me with the test results later today… In the meantime, I’ve got my cystitis relief sachets, paracetamol and my trusty heat pillow to get me through….

Of course, it’s going to make the job interview interesting ☹️😳😂

Posted in Life in General


I’ve been out of work now for 5 weeks and were feeling the pinch.

Now MrH and I are pretty practical, and you can’t spend what you don’t have, but without my income we can’t do anything fun.

We are unlikely to be able to go to the munch in February, or celebrate valentine’s Day as we had planned, by going to our favourite hotel (or any hotel for that matter).

And that realisation sucks.

More than anything the knowledge that I am responsible for this situation is, and I’m trying hard not to let it, bringing my depression out of its box. I can feel the lid cracking, fingertips peeking out…

I’m the kind of person who tends to try and fix things, so be the cause of the difficulties we are experiencing is not sitting well. It’s sending my mind back to 2005 when I had my breakdown, when I was unable to work for a few years, when I was severely depressed. During that time we “managed” but we didn’t really “live”. I don’t want to go back there. It was not pleasant.

Now I know that I will get another job. I know there were several things that put us in this position, and it’s not like I quit my job, they made me redundant. All these things I know are just not helping.

Unfortunately I also suffer from a severe lack of patience… I want things now, immediately, yesterday preferably. I want to go to the munch because it was fun. I want to go to the hotel with MrH because I love the chance to be just his, to have him to myself, that we can play without worry… And I want a job because it gives me purpose and keeps me occupied.

So that’s me, bored, fed up, heading towards depression, and feeling mightily sorry for myself.

Posted in D/s Experiences

Fabulous Friday

MrH decided to do some rope work this evening…

My torso was bound in a diamond pattern design and my arms and legs secured to the bed. MrH has about 80m of rope in 10m lengths… And I think he needs more… MrH also decided he needs to attach some rings to the bed frame.

As usual I was thoroughly relaxed and loved every minute of it.

I can’t say I drifted into subspace as I think I have when we’ve been away, but I guess that’s because it’s a different environment and we’d already played so my mindset was already there… Also the TV was playing which is always a niggling distraction.

Having said that, after MrH undid all the ropes we cuddled for a little while before going to sleep. We both fell asleep quickly and soundly, which tells me that we were both nicely relaxed..