Posted in Life in General

Black Hole

What depression means to me.

I posted yesterday that I’m not doing so well. I think that may be an understatement, but rather than prattle on about that, I thought instead I’d share instead what depression means to me because I believe that everyone experiences it differently.

I believe depression is a black hole. Once it gets you in its grip it slowly strips parts of you away.

Your sense of security.

Your confidence.

Your happiness.

Your self worth.

Your ability to feel joy.

Your motivation.

Your energy.

All sucked slowly away until the black hole has taken everything you have and you are left not as a shell of yourself, no, rather you have become the black hole.

You fear that you take things from other people, that you have become the thing you dread, that you take all these things from those around you, making their lives as black as yours. So you withdraw, further into yourself. You exist inside the black hole looking out. You can see the person you used to be. Everything you had, everything you desperately want back but you’re unable to reach it.

It mocks you this image, out of reach, you see echos of things you want and believe to be lost forever, because in this black hole you are numb to any positive emotion and feel only dispair.

Now I know that with time many of us do find a way to release ourselves from the black holes grip. We slowly, piece by piece, rebuild ourselves, but do we ever truly escape that gravitational pull? I don’t think so. I believe we come to exist on the very edge, always afraid we will be pulled back in. I think that hard as we try to rebuild ourselves one part never fits securely back in place, and that’s our sense of security.

Once you have experienced the devastation of depression you are never ever the same. The fear that it will return is ever present, at the back of your mind, threatening your peace of mind.

So when I am asked about my own depression and if I am “better” now, I always reply “I live with depression, and at the moment it’s under control,” because for me it’s always there, just waiting to take me back into the nothingness once more.

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Posted in Life in General

Yep I was right (the one time I wish I wasn’t)

Infection confirmed… Antibiotics prescribed. Damn it!!!!

I can’t work on my story either (I’m too tired and it will likely be gibberish if I tried) so I’m just crocheting some baby booties instead..

I put a coin in with the second picture so you can see how tiny they are… Little newborn size Mary Janes 😊

Posted in Life in General

Give me strength – please??

So far every time I’ve had a water infection, I’ve also had some wierd physical symptoms… My heart pounds, and I have dizzy spells.

Strangely, these are the same symptoms I get when I have anxiety attacks. To be fair anxiety attacks are not something I suffer from frequently. In fact it’s been several years since I had one.. but that dizzy feeling, the ringing in my ears, the heart pounding…. I really do not need this today.

In two and a half hours I have to go and present my best self.. I have to dazzle and charm… To convince a man I’ve never met that I am the person he wants to manage his business administration and accounts… I also have to pursuade him that he needs to pay me enough to mean we cover our expenses and have a little left over.. All while trying to ignore the nagging, niggling discomfort in my abdomen, the pounding of my heart and the ringing in my ears. Oh and ideally I’d like to not pass out on standing up to leave the interview – cos you know, that’s not the impression I want to leave?!?

So if you’re reading this and have a moment to spare – send me some good thoughts will you?? To help me get through it ….

**UPDATE**

Interview cancelled as the owner has been called out of the office for an emergency. I guess that works 😂

Hopefully by the time it’s rescheduled I’ll be feeling better!


Image from Goodtherapy.org

Posted in Life in General

Not again!

It’s now 4:50am. I’ve been awake since 2.

I’m pretty sure I have another water infection and the discomfort is stopping me from sleeping so in the end I got up. I was so restless I didn’t want to disturb MrH, he has a full day of work ahead.

This is one of the things that drives me bonkers…. All the pain meds I take, I shouldn’t be able to feel a broken bone, instead I feel everything that isn’t my “usual” pain acutely.

Anyway, at 8am I’ll head to the drs with my “sample” and they will call me with the test results later today… In the meantime, I’ve got my cystitis relief sachets, paracetamol and my trusty heat pillow to get me through….

Of course, it’s going to make the job interview interesting ☹️😳😂

Posted in Life in General

Sucks

I’ve been out of work now for 5 weeks and were feeling the pinch.

Now MrH and I are pretty practical, and you can’t spend what you don’t have, but without my income we can’t do anything fun.

We are unlikely to be able to go to the munch in February, or celebrate valentine’s Day as we had planned, by going to our favourite hotel (or any hotel for that matter).

And that realisation sucks.

More than anything the knowledge that I am responsible for this situation is, and I’m trying hard not to let it, bringing my depression out of its box. I can feel the lid cracking, fingertips peeking out…

I’m the kind of person who tends to try and fix things, so be the cause of the difficulties we are experiencing is not sitting well. It’s sending my mind back to 2005 when I had my breakdown, when I was unable to work for a few years, when I was severely depressed. During that time we “managed” but we didn’t really “live”. I don’t want to go back there. It was not pleasant.

Now I know that I will get another job. I know there were several things that put us in this position, and it’s not like I quit my job, they made me redundant. All these things I know are just not helping.

Unfortunately I also suffer from a severe lack of patience… I want things now, immediately, yesterday preferably. I want to go to the munch because it was fun. I want to go to the hotel with MrH because I love the chance to be just his, to have him to myself, that we can play without worry… And I want a job because it gives me purpose and keeps me occupied.

So that’s me, bored, fed up, heading towards depression, and feeling mightily sorry for myself.

Posted in D/s Experiences

Fabulous Friday

MrH decided to do some rope work this evening…

My torso was bound in a diamond pattern design and my arms and legs secured to the bed. MrH has about 80m of rope in 10m lengths… And I think he needs more… MrH also decided he needs to attach some rings to the bed frame.

As usual I was thoroughly relaxed and loved every minute of it.

I can’t say I drifted into subspace as I think I have when we’ve been away, but I guess that’s because it’s a different environment and we’d already played so my mindset was already there… Also the TV was playing which is always a niggling distraction.

Having said that, after MrH undid all the ropes we cuddled for a little while before going to sleep. We both fell asleep quickly and soundly, which tells me that we were both nicely relaxed..

Posted in Life in General

Sweet sweet Saturday..

On a weekend MrH and I do not use an alarm to get up.. we sleep until we’re not.. usually about 8am. Although BC generally wakes me up at about 6am to refil his food bowl ☹️

This morning was no exception. But I fell straight back to sleep and didn’t wake up until about 20 past 8 when MrH said it was time we got out of bed. My slimming world (SW) group starts at 9am so by the time we actually got up it was time to go.

I’m out of target at the moment [having achieved a total loss of 5 Stone on 28th January 2017] I’ve slowly put weight on over the last year, until before Christmas I went into the 12 stone bracket and I realized I needed to kick myself up the proverbial before I was back where I started! So last week I put 1lb on and decided to ask MrH to help me stay within my syn allowance. If I want to use them I have to ask.. well it’s worked and this week I lost 2½ lbs! Whoop 😊 8 lbs to go until I’m back at my target weight.

I arrived home, and told MrH the result. He congratulated me and I thanked him for his help and asked if he would consider continuing to do so. He’s agreed to this and I appreciate it. I’m aware it’s asking him to take on an extra responsibly, realistically he made me a rule that I had to follow the plan, and it’s my lack of self discipline that’s making me eat too many syns at the beginning of the week… This means I’ve none left towards the end and invariably go over. But I think he would rather this than punish me – I could be wrong (it’s been known to happen – quite frequently as it happens when it comes to MrH and D/s). He has pointed out a couple of infractions today (eye rolling x 1 & answering back x 1) and mentioned earlier in the week that he was sure he could make it so I didn’t enjoy being caned 😳 (gulp).

As it was breakfast time when I got home I asked MrH if he would cook me a full breakfast. He’s the most amazing cook, and because we had slept so soundly last night my back was quite stiff. He cooked me bacon, mushrooms and some chopped tomatoes (all free foods on SW, and I dry fried a duck egg. I asked to use 4½ syns for a slice of toast. It was delicious!!!!

After breakfast I did the ironing.

We walked to the nearby Asda later on (my exercise) and MrH is just now cooking duck breasts for tea, which we are having with some Hoisin sauce, wedges, broccoli and asparagus.

I know in some cases, people may read this and think – well that’s a boring day… But… Here’s the thing, 2 years ago I couldn’t walk to the end of the street without crying from pain.. for me walking to the supermarket that’s over a mile away is an achievement. And I hope that this is an inspiration to others…

Basically, I’ve done all my chores today, I’ve no washing left to do and I’m looking forward to an evening of snuggles with MrH and tomorrow we can do whatever we please.

Of course, I’m also hoping for some play time …. Because, well why wouldn’t I?? 😉

Posted in 18+, submissive fiction

Captains Prize (part 10)

Martha stretched out, she felt so comfortable so relaxed. Between the bed and the gentle sway of the ship she couldn’t remember ever feeling so, so, she struggled to name it.. happy? she thought. She allowed her mind to drift back to yesterday evening. The Captain so kind, so gentle. Sure it had felt strange having a man touch her feet, but once he had applied pressure, a sigh escaped her as she remembered the way her body had just melted. He was a strange pirate she thought. Martha laid warm and comfortable for a short while before she realised that she needed to relieve herself. She wasn’t bound and so reluctantly she sat up and looked around the room. She was alone.

Martha relieved herself quickly, concerned someone would come in at any moment, and then used the water bowl to wash her face. The heat was still something she hadn’t got used to and she was glad she was not trussed up in her old clothes. The Captain had been right the cotton clothes he had given her were cool and comfortable.

Someone was coming, and again Martha wasn’t sure if she should still be on the bed but she hesitated too long and she heard a key turn in the lock. Deciding to stay where she was, Martha squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. Angus walked in and when he saw her he smiled warmly.

“Good morning Miss,” he said. “The Captain sent me to get you, he thought you might want some fresh air. Follow me Miss.” He beckoned her forward. Martha smiled back and relaxed. She didn’t feel the least bit threatened by this young man. Instead she found herself walking forward following him out of the room.

The corridor was dull, lit only by the open door they went through, and the open door ahead. It smelled of salt and soap, the wood aged but clean. There must be two rooms either side of the corridor as there were closed doors on either side. Martha realised she hadn’t paid much attention on her way into the room, or the last time she had walked this way.

The sun was bright and unaccustomed to it as she was she screwed up her eyes as she emerged, raising her hand to cover them. Angus held something out to her, “oh Miss, here,” he said, “the Captain thought you might need these”. In one hand he held out a beaten looking hat, tan leather and wise brimmed, like she expected the captain would wear, she looked at him quizzically. Was he serious? “It used to me mine Miss, as I’ve outgrown it we thought it might fit you,” he continued, still holding it out to her, ” try it on it’s not so big and it will keep the sun off your head.” Hesitantly Martha took the hat and placed it on her head. It wobbled a little, but did shield her eyes very well. “And this Miss?” Angus was holding a second item out, and on looking she saw a lace parasol. Angus was holding it awkwardly as if he might dirty the delicate white fabric, and Martha took it from him curious to see the lace. She had never seen such beautiful fabric, rich people had these, grand people. Grander than them she had worked for. “Come Miss, this way,” again Angus gestured for her to follow him, “watch your step, Miss,” he cautioned as he led the way up the steps to the upper deck. They walked past the mast her Da had been tied to, Martha suppressed a shudder, and up the second steps.

The Captain was sat on a chair in front of a small table. A second chair was opposite him. Breakfast was layed out on the table, breads, jams and pastries. Martha’s stomach grumbled.

“May I fetch you some tea Miss?” Angus asked. Martha looked at him in amazement. She must be dreaming. She must be asleep. May as well enjoy it said that naughty voice…

“Yes please Angus,” Martha wispered. She hadn’t meant to but her mouth was dry. What on earth was this. She looked around. There was only the Captain here.

“Please Martha, sit down,” the Captain spoke up. He indicated she should take the chair opposite him. “I thought you may enjoy a change of scenery, and some fresh air. The men are having their breakfast so for the moment it’s quiet. Smithy suggested you may enjoy some tea, although we only have goats milk or honey.” As he spoke Martha sat down. Her face a mask of incredulity and disbelief. He was a pirate. Wasn’t he?

“I don’t understand….” Martha began but trailed off. Unable to put into words her confusion.

“It’s breakfast, Martha.”

“I don’t mean that,” she replied, “I mean why are you interested in what I would like, I’m your prisoner and you’re a pirate. Aren’t you just going to …” Her voice trailed off, as embarrassment washed over her.

The sound of his laughter brought her head up.

“Oh Martha, you funny girl, even bloodthirsty pirates have to eat,” he laughed and leered toward her. Despite herself she giggled. Then stopped abruptly, as soon as she realised what she had done. “I do love that sound, your laughter,” he clarified at her questioning look, “I care about the welfare of everyone on this ship Martha,” he continued solemnly, “especially you.”

Martha looked at her hands which were folded in her lap. His words made her heart beat quicken, and she didn’t know why, but she liked it. The hat was heavy and beads of sweat were forming on her forehead and the back of her neck. She opened the parasol and held it up. It was exquisite. She removed the hat and put it on her knee, her hair already damp. The Captain was watching her, she could see him through her lashes though she kept her eyes cast downwards.

“The hat wasn’t a good idea was it?” He asked with a frown. Martha shook her head, he looked so perturbed as he continued, “you can’t hold that and eat.” He pointed at the parasol as he spoke then so suddenly that Martha jumped, he got up and went down the steps to the lower desks. Martha used the moments alone go look around. The deck was clean and in truth it was nice to be above deck. She wanted to look out at the sea but stayed in the chair. The food looked delicious and she reached out to take a pastry, but withdrew empty handed when she heard footsteps approaching.

The Captain returned with some rope in his hand. Martha stopped breathing, holding her breath. Did he plan to restrain her again? He approached her chair and knelt down. Taking the rope he began to tie it to the chair, “May I have that please?” He didn’t wait for a reply but took the parasol and wove it into the rope, securing it to the back of the chair so she was shaded from the sun and had both hands now free. Satisfied with his efforts he stood and returned to his chair.

Martha looked up at the parasol and then at him. He was smiling at the parasol, very pleased with himself. “Thank you,” she murmured, frowning slightly. He really was strange. Martha looked to her right as she heard a rattle and footsteps. Angus was back with a tray which he placed on the table, and nodding once at the Captain, he turned and left.

“Please help yourself Martha,” the Captain spoke at last, “and when the tea is properly brewed please pour me a tea with milk.”

“I’m sorry Sir,” she said, “I don’t know how.” The tray contained a tea pot and cups, milk jug and some honey as well as a small sieve and, some spoons. She had seen these things at the big house but she hadn’t been allowed tea.

The Captain was frowning again. “There’s no need to be sorry Martha,” he said, “I’d rather you told me so I can teach you than you struggle. Here,” he sat forward in his chair. “The tea leaves are inside the pot with boiling water. And so we have to hold this sieve over the spout,” he picked up the tea pot and sieve as he spoke, holding them over one of the cups. He poured the liquid into the cup through the sieve so that the leaves were captured and the liquid in the cup was mid brown but clear. “Then we add milk or honey.. not both,” he said. “As you’ve not had it you won’t know which you like so let’s do one of each and you can try them?” He poured a second cup and added milk to one and stirred it with a spoon, and honey to the other.

Martha reached for the milk cup and took a sip. It was hot but nice. He was still watching her and she felt another blush. He looked at her in a way that made her feel naked. She replaced the cup and lifted the other. Taking a sip she grimaced. No she preferred the milk one, and she noticed a smile on the Captains face. “I think I like the one with milk best,” she said.

“Indeed,” her replied laughing, “you should have seen your face!” He took the cup from her and walked to the side of the ship. He flung the contents over the side, then returned to the table. “Eat!” This was a command there was no doubt and so Martha picked up a pastry and took a bite. It was wonderful, and she had soon eaten it and picked up a second. Her appetite had returned she realised. She had barely eaten since they left England but since coming on board she had actually felt hungry. Maybe that’s because the food is appetising she thought.

Martha realised that the Captain didn’t have a drink. He had emptied the cup but not refilled it.

“Shall I use this cup to make you a tea?” She asked.

“Yes Martha,” he replied with a satisfied smile. “That would be delightful.”

Frowning slightly at his words she made him a tea, copying what he had done. Her hand shook as she lifted the tea pot, it was heavy, but she managed to pour the liquid without spilling any. Martha added milk and stirred before pushing the cup towards him.

He picked up the cup and sat back in the chair. Martha picked up a piece of bread and spread some jam over it. She settled back into her seat thoughtfully, deciding that the Captain was indeed very strange. He was kind, and, it pained her to admit it, but she wanted to get to know him. She liked it when he smiled at her. She liked it when he touched her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by voices coming onto deck. It seemed breakfast was over, and Martha shifted in her seat expecting to be taken back to the room. “Would you like to stay here a while longer?” The Captain’s voice drew her attention. Martha nodded. The Captain simply waved his hand at her, gesturing that she could relax. Martha settled back and watched as the ship came to life in front of her, well aware that the Captain was still watching her every move.

Posted in 18+, Life in General

And Another

Some of my followers know I’ve been actively looking for a new job having been made redundant before Christmas.

Well I have another interview today.

MrH has indicated that I am to wear knickers during this interview. When he told me this last night, I told him I was planning to wear tights and so this wasn’t necessary. This earned me a smack on the bottom for answering back, and a reminder that my answer should be “Thank you Sir”.

At least I didn’t get lines!!!!